This is another update in my life/mind that I’m sharing with you. I’m not sure how I came up with enough interesting things to do this again so soon, but here we go:
*Remember, if reading this becomes unbearably and/or oppressively boring, I urge you to pull out (please keep your thoughts G rated, there may be children reading) and exit this page, this rinkydink blog isn’t worth it.
I have done things since last week. The first filming for the miniseries went well, I don’t think I screwed up too many lines and they said I sounded like a true New Zealander, in all their incomprehensible glory. My right ear went a bit deaf one morning, but it quickly got better so that’s kinda neat I suppose. I went all concerned-grandma on myself and checked my earphone volume. So don’t worry I’m taking care of myself, unless you were hoping I would go deaf, the reason for which I can’t imagine.
A new wing in a student building was suddenly uncocooned (if “cocooned” is a verb, then so must be “uncocooned”) with shiny new student spaces (though I’m sure they’ll soon be a lovely caffeinated-grime colour). The chairs are exquisitely comfy, I am in fact sitting in one right now. It may become a curse though, I don’t know how I’ll muster the willpower to detach my blissful rear end and go home. You may read of me getting kicked out by security tomorrow.
I often get asked “What’s Canada like, how’s it different?” For being antipodes (use Google’s wizardry to define that fancy word), I struggle to answer this. Everyday life is strikingly similar to my one in Toronto (but we are currently high and dry down here). I live in central Melbourne in student housing and go to an innovation-obsessed university that rakes in students from Earth’s every corner (though maybe not the North Korean corner). Most things in that sentence are also true in Toronto. I recently helped an assignment with a friend (yes, it turns out I can make some of those) and he kept asking “What’s different between Canada/Australia?”
It’s easier thinking of the similarities I see between both. But here I go, scraping my brain for differences. If you move from either country to the other, please consider this a sacred text:
-The toilets are definitely taller. Not like, so tall that I use climbing equipment every time I gotta go, but they most certainly are a little bit. They also have two flush buttons- a normal one and another for if you need to flush it like you mean it. Canadians have so much damn freshwater that conserving any of it would probably be insulting, so I doubt this will take off.
-The escalators go faster. Again, it’s not like I worry about getting whiplash every time I step on one of these, but it definitely is faster. Which is great, because there is a little thrill feeling yourself rocket up to the next floor. If you close your eyes you can almost feel like a powerful God rising up to oversee your domain. So, escalators that give you brief power trips are quite fun.
-Pissed off plugs. The wall outlets look like eyebrows with attitude. This was a pain for me, because I had to buy adaptors. We can cure lots of diseases, shoot people around the moon, and whip up culinary marvels like these, so why can’t power outlets around the world be the same??
-Frenchlessness. Oddly enough, there is no french anywhere. Nobody speaks it or speaks of it, Australia seems like a big “french-free zone”. I’m sure if I knew as much world history as Trump I would have some idea of why this is.
-Attractive accents. The accents are (usually) great to listen to, but from time-to-time you hear new things that sound like someone barfed up alphaghetti and turned what came up into a word.
-No tipping. In restaurants, waiters expect no tip. They would be confused and try and give it back if you threw one at them. Sales taxes are also included, so when you sit down at a restaurant, the menu prices are really what you pay and nothing more. If that’s not a stunning miracle for our species, I’m not sure what is. If only this could come to Canada; I’m not holding my breath.
-Backwards traffic. This one still freaks me out, but I’m getting better. I still screw up looking the wrong way when crossing the street all the time, so now I just whip my head around everywhere (which may actually be something I should worry for whiplash). Apparently with my G licence I’m qualified to drive here (which is insane). There’s no way I’m trying it.
-Ubiquitous liquor. The LCBO would quiver in its boots if it got wind of the Wild-West here, with liquor sold in supermarkets/corner stores/everywhere that’s not a hospital. It’s absurdly cheap, with sauvignon blancs sold at Aldi for $2.70. (I thought it would taste like poison, but it was pretty good. So now I ban myself from going there to avoid alcoholism until I’m at least 40).
-Time zones. Of course, the time zones are quite different, with Melbourne 14 hours ahead of EST. So, I wake up every day worrying what scary Trump headlines blew up overnight (I desperately hope that doesn’t become a pun). It provides a good shot of adrenaline to get the day started, so that’s good I suppose.
-Free transit. The transit system is free in the downtown core!! I will harass Toronto’s Mayor John Tory until he copies this, I may be in for a long battle. I bet bribing him with Tim Tams will do the trick.
-People say “When I was in Year 5” instead of “Grade 5”. This may sound like a small change, but at first you might think they mean “when I was 11 years old”, instead of “when I was in Grade 11”. So, for some discussions you may wonder if you’re in a ‘live-free-or-die’ wackjob country where people talk of having done very mature stuff for their age.
Holy shit, I don’t know how this became so long. I think that’s all I have for now, you may carry on with your day (or night). Or, you may keep reading this post over and over for as long as you wish.
Jack Hopkins 
